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Reading Microsoft’s primer for parents who want to decrypt their kids’s computer slang is like listening to über-caucasian Bill Kurtis announce that the murder suspect also “did drugs and was into [dramatic turn to address the camera] rough sex.” It is just so overwhelmingly unhip that you are compelled to keep staring at the screen.

Among the terms that Microsoft highlights to help you “protect” your children:

“warez” or “w4r3z“: Illegally copied software available for download.

“h4x“: Read as “hacks,” or what a computer hacker does.

“sploitz” (short for exploits): Vulnerabilities in computer software used by hackers.

“pwn“: A typo-deliberate version of own, a slang term that means to dominate. This could also be spelled “0\/\/n3d” or “pwn3d,” among other variations. Online video game bullies or “griefers” often use this term.

Thank you, Microsoft. Now I finally have the tools to protect my family. Actually, it is a clever ruse. Big Brother masquerading as Beaver Cleaver. Aw shucks, did I just get h4xxored?