How to cook a turkey

Wow, that’s disgusting.

From Andrew, age 4:

“I make it at the fire station.* We buy it at the Speedway.** Cook it at home in the microwave. Cook it like 100 minutes.”

From Nathan, age 6:

Ingredients***: Tootsie Rolls, White Milk, Ketchup, Mustard, Salt, Pepper, Apples, Turkey

Directions: Put the white milk in a bowl, put ketchup on top. Then take the turkey and with a knife cut a hole in the turkey. Put the apples inside. Then with the mustard use it like glue and glue the turkey hole back together. Take the salt and pepper and put it on the turkey. Decorate the turkey with Tootsie Rolls.**** Then put in the oven at 90 degrees for 100,000 days. When you take it out you should put it on a frying pan. And then wait for 3 hours and then after the 3 hours you can take it off the pan and eat it!

* Kitchen safety saves lives, you know.
** He’s not altogether kidding here. We shop at a gas station. This is a source of great family shame.
*** From most to least important, presumably.
**** Details like this are what separate mere food from art.

Someone needs to actually cook some of these kid recipes and post photos. I would give thanks for that.

Happy Turkey Day, America.