Christmas in hell

There are many ways to ruin Christmas. Crappy gifts, drunken co-workers, eye-searing sweaters, family itself. (Hollywood makes a mint on the mini-genre of mirth-to-misery.)

But I’d like to go deeper than that. I’d like to attempt to scar your subconscious. I want to slice into that corner of your childhood memories that is still very fond of Christmas music. Sure, you say you hate these tunes now, that the infernal jingling-bells-makes-a-song-Christmassy trick makes you want to gore your ear with a flaming yule brand.

But you lie. And I would like to help you confront that lie, to eradicate the joy.

Back in the 1990’s, in the final supernova of cassette tape usage before its demise at the hands of digital, my pal ASG made me a unique holiday mix: the kristMess tape. Much of it is thick atonal drum-and-bass, but the nugget at the center is the gift beneath the bow. My gift. To you.

O Come All Ye Faithful, excerpt, 2:13

V/VM, The V/VM Christmas Pudding

Feel free to use this liberally throughout the next week as circumstances dictate. If Ebenezer and the Grinch aren’t cutting it for you and holiday horror doesn’t set you back on the right path, just put this on loop and relax. Halloween is only ten months away.

See also: Carbone Dolce